My birthday is looming and I'm in some kind of confusion as to how to cope with this. Having watched 'A Single Man' and been astounded at just how clearly the muted colour, shut-down version of life was portrayed in contrast with the vibrant hopeful version, I'm comparing it to the version I see in front of my own eyes. I think I'm in a year-old 35mm film roll that we all know isn't going to come out right anymore, but might still end up as a piece of art. It's certainly a much more destabilising time than I think I can cope with. Only time will tell. I feel like I'm half trapped in an old way of life and half locked-out from a new one.
I have nevertheless had some sense of inclusion, some invitation to join in, in this fair republic that I now inhabit. I may even be permitted to live instead of exist to some extent soon, but I've also got my eye on the possibility that that door may be shut on me at any time. Even if it isn't, I have my work cut out for me to make myself understood and to understand what's required, and what is unnecessary and undesired. I shall edit myself accordingly, as best I can.
In the meantime, the Faerie Godmother trainee, L-Star and the architect are out there somewhere, some nearer than others, and I know I can depend on them to think of me from time to time and wish me kind things and sparks of hope and suchlike. I also think Saturday's Sacher torte from Cafe Louvre is still working its magic to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Some days, that's truly all you could possibly hope for.
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