Resistance is futile

That dread I used to have on Sunday nights before games lessons at school on a Monday has regenerated into the grown-up version.  Dread of the return to work.  The difference with work versus school is that with work, you know that there's no way out.  There's no ultimate deadline in sight.  No concrete guarantee that you won't always have to do this.  And if you want meaning in your life, this is a bitter, razor-sharp pill to swallow.

I haven't found an answer to this perpetual entrapment yet, and I do know that resistance is futile, but I am convinced there has to be some value even in the midst of that futility.  If the only way round this is to keep fighting, keep doing creative things in spite of it all, possibly to the detriment of doing my paid job to the best of my ability, then so be it.  Silliness and purposely flaunting my incompatibility with this system are my only weapons and I shall use them while I still have the strength.  Even though they may ultimately bring about my demise.

Vaclav Havel is quoted as having said: (I wish I had this in the original Czech - can anyone direct me to where it can be found ?)

"The deeper the experience of an absence of meaning '...' the more energetically meaning is sought."

I might also add that the deeper the presence of despair, the more energetically hope is sought.  Indeed, at a time of the most profound sense of being a mere fly caught in a spider's web awaiting my inevitable fate, there is that last desperate trace of hope that fights for supremacy.  I almost wish it weren't there, but it doesn't come from a conviction that things will be fair, that there will be some righting of wrongs in the end, but just that this mustn't be the end of the story.

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world.  Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good." 

I can only hope beyond hope that it is 'good enough'.