Love and other tragedies...

Oh dear.  God save me - I think I've fallen in love.  How can this have happened? What tragedy!  (Someone once said, once you've fallen in love, things can only end badly.  Someone either leaves or dies in the end.)

This is not very 'me'.  I'm meant to be dynamic and fiercely independent and cynical.  What the hell is this?!  And why do my older and wiser friends have to have been so right, dammit?  I had my principles and my little survival strategies and my convictions that my romantic life was over for good and I would remain a (fit and forward-thinking) spinster, playing angry songs no-one else would ever hear.  For good.  I thought I had it all sussed out.

So, ok Mr. Rock god and Mr. Byron II, you were right; I was wrong.  Happy now?

This could still fall apart tomorrow.  Then the hyenas will gather to laugh loudly.

We had the 'kids' conversation last night.  In that tentative way you do when no-one's dared say 'I love you' yet, incase it serves to suffocate the other person. (This topic of conversation was due to some stupid American sitcom dubbed into Czech that got me angry about the linguistic ridiculousness in the phrase, ,,Jsme těhotné'" i.e. "we're pregnant".  We?  There is no "we" in being pregnant.  Just ask the woman in labour. )  I made it plain I have no intention of ever having kids.  He had said before that he hadn't wanted them either.  But that was during the break-up of his last relationship.  Now, three years later, he's convinced he's 'getting old' and has changed his mind.  And, for now at least, he assumes I will too when I catch up to his age.  

So that's the end of our relationship looming in the distance. It's just out of reach or relevance right now, but it will grow and grow and one day it'll be the thing that drives us apart.  (Or maybe it will be the thing we laugh about in a month's time, when he decides he can't stand me anymore anyway.)

Who knows?  Last night he looked at me and said, "so it's a challenge", in response to my saying I didn't want children.  But I won the argument in the end anyway by saying that wanting children is irrelevant anyhow.  Whether you are successful enough, rich enough, happy enough to ensure giving children a good life is the most important factor.  It requires a sense of being at peace with yourself and what you have or haven't achieved.  It requires a hope for the future.  And those are the things I know will prevent me from ever embarking on it.