Me and camera three

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it."  Steve Jobs

It's so sad that I only got to read this today because Steve Jobs died.  Why hadn't I read this quotation before?  I am reassured by the fact that someone so successful thought the same as me about work.  I can't come anywhere near his level of success, but maybe I can at least try to match his dedication.

I'm certainly putting in the hours.  Today was supposed to be mostly a day off, but it's not possible when I've got such a full-on day to prepare for tomorrow.  I spent all afternoon, and I mean all afternoon just doing the necessary admin and prep work!  To nesnáším!

At least I managed to post a couple of old songs and videos to the ReverbNation website and had a little reminder of the day I spent in front of old BBC cameras that moved forward and back around me like dancing daleks (with red 'recording' lights instead of plungers).  I remember camera three was the 'close up' camera.  It danced towards me from time to time and then its light came on...  What a strange relationship.  'Me and camera three.'  It even rhymes.

Poverty and other preoccupations

As you may have guessed, work and other depressing things have been getting progressively more difficult, tedious and time-consuming.  I have had to write a letter of resignation, an email of explanation and a further email to confirm that the reply hasn't changed my mind.  All the while I'm being totally messed about by this particular institution, to the point that I am now losing money due to their disorganisation and have had to re-do adverts and search for work in any viable ways that I can think of in order to try not to lose out all the more.  I'm not even getting to take time off properly, because I'm not being given much notice of the work that 'might' be available.  So hello 'hand-to-mouth existence' once again.  My, we are such old friends...

I can't even find time to do anything creative as I'm still between meetings and organising things and my life is filled with the kind of tedium that saps every last drop of inspiration or creativity and kills it dead in an instant.  The expression 'burn out' comes to mind, but that has already happened.  That was probably two weeks ago at least.  I am now on the edge of the platform again, and to quote a Kate Bush song I often play, I'm "wondering what on earth I'm doing here".  Back in my usual spot.  No particular hope, no time to go out and see anything, do anything, not even enough money to buy something to cheer me up.  Such as nice shower gel from the rather posh, Body Shop-equvalent here, Yves Rocher.  Even though they keep taunting me by sending me leaflets detailing the appallingly small discount I could get on things, for having a loyalty card and having stupidly given them my address.

Whoever it was that said, "I've been rich and I've been poor.  Rich is better," knew what they were talking about and not only that, probably knew that even when you've got a tiny bit of money, it's no use in helping you if you've been under-investing for over ten years and the next time something breaks down (and let's face it, that may well be me) you're going to go bankrupt.  The worst thing about poverty is that it is simply BORING.  That aspect alone could finish you off.

Hell On Earth

"The only message there is: be who you want to be and stick by it.  My [step] father got me a job at the Hotpoint factory to show me what the real values of life were.  And the real values of life were discussing football and reading the Daily Mirror every fucking day, so I thought I'd get some new values.  To spend your whole life doing a job you hate must be hell on earth.  Don't spend your life thinking 'if only' because it will kill you.  You'll die of regret."  Ian 'Lemmy' Kilminster

I tried to be who I wanted to be.  I really did.  But the consequence of that was ending up in a houseshare that nearly killed me because I didn't earn enough money (or any from the thing I worked hardest at) to get me out of there and into a place on my own.  So, if the choice is, die from unbearable housing situation or die from unbearable work situation, I suppose it's much of a muchness.  I'd settle for one of those secret suicide pills from NASA right now.  But they're secret, so I don't suppose they'd do me the courtesy of sending me one even if I asked nicely, would they?

Oh to have the luxury of good timing so that your principles can serve you well enough that you never have to change them...