(Feb 6th)
16.30 Seeing off meet-ee. Miserable meeting. Both of us were tired.
16.40 Grab my things to get on down to the post office to pick up a parcel that had been waiting for me for ages as well as do some supermarket shopping on the way back.
17.30 Long wait at post office. Woman behind counter says something I don't understand and I feel huge wave of shame at still not speaking the language of the country I now call home. Despite huge efforts and financial investment, I'm still on the 'basic language only, don't give me anything trade-specific now!' level.
18.00 Walking into Tesco. So glad to get out of the cold that was biting into my face and chilling my nose to so close to freezing that I expected an icicle to come out the next time I blew my nose.
18.15 No bin liners in Tesco for the sixth visit running. How am I supposed to clear-out anything in my flat?! They've finally got Earl Grey tea though. Bonus.
18.25 Popped into Paul's bakery. Current level of misery dictates I MUST have a chocolate-coffee combo dessert thing. Stand in line, reading the damned thing in Czech, trying to work out how to say it: 'Čokoladový-Kavovaný rolada'. Or something. Waitress/Shop assistant scuppers my plan of standing and reading it off the label by asking me to walk over to the other till. Manage to get the thing out in understandable pronunciation and from memory. Congratulate myself for this. In Czech. (So can't be that f***ing useless at it afterall, eh?)
18.45 Home and things in fridge/cupboard. Make tea. Urgently.
18.55 Sit down to tea and dessert thing.
18.56 Remember that package from ex-partner and his new partner I picked up from post office. Feel sick at thought of 'joint' birthday present. Immediately inwardly reprimand myself for being so childish. The mature thing to do is be grateful for something from two lovely people.
19.00 Presents opened. DVD of a Czech band I don't really like that much because I can't understand their lyrics. Strange bird-like pottery thing. Wing broken off. Don't know what to do with this. Book with weird but nice illustrations. Search for any extra note slipped in that hasn't been seen by ex-partner's new partner. Remember that she's too clever to get that kind of thing by her and he wouldn't want to do that kind of thing anymore anyway. Or at least, not enough to go out of his way to do it. Card is a watered-down version of the cards he used to send. None of the usual words. Nothing in English infact. His stars are drawn without the little appendages that made them unique and pertinent to me. I know what's missing. He knew what was missing. She probably didn't. It just looks wrong.
19.05 Cry uncontrollably. Try to put the things away somewhere I won't see them for a while.
19.15 Listen to latest obsession song. "
We Found Love". (Rihanna) Video of which is hedonistically depressing-and-euphoric all in one. With a few anomalies for someone supposed to be living in a British council estate thrown in. (Sanex bubble bath for one thing.)
19.23 Decide to watch an episode of CSI NY while eating dessert thing with another cup of tea. Dessert thing bit of a disappointment, due to consistency of chocolate mousse element. It's too rich.
20.00 Have given up on CSI NY as can't concentrate. Crying again. Reach out for more dance tunes and rock/hip-hop tunes to blast in my ears in an attempt to get the sadness out. It doesn't work, but it helps to feel like there's something to hold on to. Decide to make a new playlist on iTunes. Imagine driving along at speed to the tracks I add in, by way of distracting myself from my currently hopeless seeming reality.
21.30 Decide that if I'm to get up early tomorrow, I'd better get ready for bed now, as period pain, painkillers and crying have all made me feel extra tired already.
21.35 Try calling current boyfriend, but no answer. Email him instead, saying how low I feel.
22.35 Finished watching CSI NY episode. Hasn't made me feel better but I'm ready for sleep.
22.36 Boyfriend calls. I'm too sad and too sleepy to answer but the ring is so loud, it's waking me up. Decide to make new hot water bottle and then go to bed.
22.45 Check email to see if 'the boy' has written an email instead, seeing as he couldn't get through on phone. He has. He says he's sorry I'm feeling low. Feel tiny bit better.
22.57 Finally attempt sleep. But can't. Toss and turn for a while.
23.20 Get up to go to the loo. This has to be the most pathetic attempt at getting an early night.
(Feb 7th)
05.00 Alarm goes off. Yes, I did decide that having an extra half an hour to try to wake myself up would be better today.
05.09 Get up. Switch off alarm before it goes off again.
05.10 Fill kettle for tea, but decide I'm going straight to coffee this morning. Turn on heating in bathroom so that it'll be bearable to have a shower in there later.
05.20 Sit up in bed and check emails.
05.50 Get in shower.
06.20 Getting ready to go, putting on make-up feeling like no amount will hide the tiredness. It's a lost cause.
06.32 Leaving house. Stupid hallway light switch provides illumination for whole 5 seconds before going out again, leaving me to have to feel around for how many more steps are left till the next light switch. Repeat process at every half flight of stairs.
06.34 Notice snow on ground as I get to courtyard. Dammit, now I really am going to be late this morning, because it's going to be a nightmare walking downhill on Václavské náměstí. Nothing I can do about that now.
06.45 Offload bag of paper and cardboard into recycling bank before continuing on to Václavské náměstí. (Don't know why I chose this morning to finally catch up on that task, but oh well.)
06.55 Walking at barely one mile an hour, like an old lady, because every step is slippery and I'm convinced I'm going to fall over and look like an idiot.
06.56 Realise I already look like an idiot for walking as slowly as this.
07.05 Already late for meeting, receptionist won't let me through without checking my name off on a list. (Wish he would make my day by saying, "if yer name's not down, yer not comin' in", but of course he doesn't.) I take a look at list, knowing my meet-ee won't have put my name on it. As I read through, I realise it looks like the list hasn't been used since 1993 anyway, probably the last time they had a security upgrade involving actually asking visitors' names instead of just buzzing them through. I relay that my name's not on the list and am asked for ID. Show receptionist my passport, which he takes in hand as though it's a most tedious and cumbersome piece of documentation, but seems to be enjoying pointing out to whoever might be watching his attempts to 'beef up security' that this is how long it takes and - see! - he's doing it right!
07.07 Finally let through. Already feel jet-lagged.
07.10 Start meeting
07.40 'Can I go yet?' starts to repeatedly run through my head.
08.10 Seriously. Want. To. Go. Back. To. Bed. Now.
08.35 I can finally leave. Looking forward to the 'joy' of dealing with the receptionist again to let me out...
08.45 I'm free. I'm cold. I need a coffee. I want to treat myself to that Snoopy book about feeling sad that I hoped ex-partner might have thought-read and got me for my birthday, but hasn't so I'll have to get it myself. Appropriate cartoon found therein almost immediately about waiting till the next day and everything being all right. Only to find out the next day that everything's the same. Suggestion being, wait until the afternoon to get up. Hmm. Should have thought of that myself.
08.51 Can't face going straight home. Who knows how noisy the building work is today. Stop in at Starbucks to get a mocha. My bit of Czech needed comes out fine, if a little tired-sounding. Get nice seat. Check emails and try to read the Guardian online but it's no use, jet-lagged feeling persists. Looking outside window at people gingerly walking downhill, I feel a sense of dread at having to find the energy to get home after this.
09.35 Get up and start lengthy process of putting on all the layers necessary to deal with the cold I'll soon have to face. This is the tiring bit about winter. I'm fed up of it already. What an utter grumbleweed I am.
09.50 Finally get home to find scaffolding up in the building downstairs (yes, indoors!) and I have to duck to get under it to be able to go up the stairs. What next? Seriously, I'm so fed up of this.
10.00 Another check of emails and then bed. I've had enough and I need a break. Sleep. Ah...thank god.
10.15 Banging from builders will NOT prevent me from sleep. I have my headphones in and I'm listening to music more loudly than they are banging. Result.
12.30 Wake up. Still feel a bit jet-lagged but what the hell.
12.45 Decide that a second breakfast is the only way forward. Have tea instead of coffee this time. So glad for the Earl Grey tea that Tesco finally had yesterday.
13.00 Contemplate the idea of having a restful day instead of doing things I hate. It makes such a big difference. I can breathe! I can live! I could even do some writing...
13.05 Back to Rihanna (this time '
Umbrella') loudly in my ears to help me really wake up.
14.00 Another hot water bottle necessary. As well as tea. I've still got tummy ache. It won't go away.
14.05 Writing: Getting. It. All. Out.
15.55 Back to crying. Listening to this old
Plan B track. Hello depression, my old friend...
