Skiing. Or not.

Well, all I can say is, "Thank god I didn't bring my camera". I was right to think it might get damaged. And I didn't need any photographic evidence of my incompatibility with skis and snow.

My first attempt at skiing on real snow (having once had a bit of a go on a 'dry slope' in Gloucester) went predictably badly, but ended up better than I'd expected, I suppose. I did spend about 50% of my time on my bottom, but at least I learnt how to ski across the slope, if not actually down it. Which, I know, isn't quite the idea, but then I didn't get to practise on a beginner's slope - I had the 'sink or swim' school of training methods. Otherwise known as the Czech, 'muddle through and hope for the best' method. They clearly believe there's no point in having an actual lesson or training area to learn in, especially as this is for something which is unlikely to lead to earning you a living. Goodness knows, they barely believe in having a good, well-paid teacher for learning something as useful and business-applicable as English, let alone something as 'natural' as skiing. 

The cowboy was as sympathetic as ever, of course, shouting at me to "listen!" to his instructions in Czech using vocab I'd never had to know before, and telling me off for not doing what he'd told me to. Things like not looking at other people and just going ahead and focussing on where I want to end up. Which resulted in my narrowly escaping a collision with a snowboarder, when I actually followed his advice. He also helpfully instructed me to watch the 3 and 4 year olds zooming down the slopes and copy them. As though just watching what a four year old does and copying it were perfectly manageable. To be honest, I had envisioned this. The cowboy, for all his other skills, isn't the best teacher. He hasn't quite learnt to do the 'being patient and kind' thing. And I happen to consider that part kind of vital in a teacher of any kind. 

Thank god for my new, warm skiing trousers and my amusing recollections of 'Ab Fab's 'The Last Shout'. "Snowplough, snowplough, I must. Snow. Plough", says Edina, struggling alone on a slope. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that I was closer to Patsy in my attempts at skiing, and could easily have ended up 'going round again' on the skilift and asking, "now, Eddie, now?" until midnight like she did. (Instead, as 'the ground came up' at the end of the ski lift, I was thrust forward at considerable speed and felt that the only way to prevent myself careering into a nice family gathering at the top of the slope sitting on deck chairs (no, seriously) was to aim for the ground and hope I would stop quickly rather than continue to travel forward but on my bottom instead.) Thankfully, skis create drag very easily when at right angles to the ground.

Pity I didn't have a bottle of champagne to soothe my ailments, like Patsy in the Last Shout. That might've been more fun. Instead, I followed instructions, learnt how to turn around, first by purposely sitting on the snow and in a most undignified manner, raising my skis up one by one and turning them in the other direction and then slowly working my way up again. Secondly by learning how to use the sticks (poles?What are they called in English? I only ever learnt they were 'hole' in Czech) to push against almost directly behind me, as I shuffled my skis up and around to face in the opposite direction. Carefully avoiding sliding backwards. But these are two ways to turn around, neither of which are used by anyone with a modicum of skiing skill. But nevermind. 

I did learn to ski across the slope and then step down the hill for a while sideways to make up for the fact that going across hadn't got me more than a few centimetres closer to the bottom of the slope, which the cowboy found infuriating, but whenever I actually tried to ski even remotely in a descending fashion, I ended up speeding up beyond my control and the only way to stop was to desperately try to turn back upwards, which invariably meant I ended up on my arse again within seconds. But I did make it down the hill by the end of the day. I let the cowboy go down the hill and take a couple of turns going back up and skiing down again, in other words descending a slope that had taken me all day to get to the bottom of safely. Heigh-ho, we can't all be great skiers y'know. Some of us come from places where this skill is far from interesting, let alone useful.

Thanks to Ab Fab, I still haven't got the humming of Marianne Faithfull and the bassline that leads into the chorus, "we gotta get outta this place if it's the last thing we ever do. We gotta get outta this place. Love has a better life for me and you..." out of my head yet. But I don't suppose that's vitally necessary at this juncture. Indeed, it could be deemed rather appropriate.

How to learn a foreign language

1) Believe Saffy from Ab Fab when she explains that when it comes to learning a language, "you just have to learn it.  It doesn't just happen because you wear the right shoes or smoke the right cigarettes."  

2) Find an online publication in that language that has a really short horoscope and sit and read it with a dictionary every day.  Jot down some of the recurring words about work, feelings and relationships or any other things you're most likely going to want to be able to discuss.

3) Find a good teacher, get lessons, pay him or her well, do your homework, show up on time and generally stick at it.

4) Indulge your inner child by reading children's stories in that language.  If these are too hard and based on old-fashioned language, find translations of children's books you already know and read them in the new language.  Sometimes it's even more amusing than the original. 

5) Listen to the radio, songs and any free podcasts you can get on topics you are interested in in that language and even if you still barely speak a word and only understand about 5% of it, listen for the words you DO know and repeat them to practise the pronunciation whenever you hear them.

6) Find some online flashcards with audio that give you some basic vocabulary or basic verb charts that you'll need to know.  (If you're a total beginner, start with the obvious - 'to be', 'to have', 'to go' etc and then you'll have learnt the hardest ones, because the most common verbs are usually the most irregular.)

7) Repeat and continue.

P.S. Going out with a friend and having a couple of drinks and then speaking in that language for a while also works quite well.  You tend to hesitate less and 'go for it' with the language you do know, which is much better than stumbling along slowly, trying to find the correct ending in your head before you come out with anything.

How to recover from being a tortured musician (particularly one whose career has totally failed to materialise)

1) Accept the situation you are in.

2) No, really, accept the situation you are in.  (Not the fantasy one in your head.)

3) Go through lots of therapy of all different kinds including CBT, psychotherapy, visiting a psychologist (like, for fun!) and working through a 12 step programme...in order to ACCEPT the f**king situation you are in!

4) Ask yourself what things you can enjoy right this minute such as, wouldn't if be nicer if I had a cup of chai tea and a piece of cake right now? Go get 'em.  And enjoy every delicious second of having them.  Live in this 'moment to moment' appreciation of everything, even if you're stuck in a traffic jam.  (Being stuck in a traffic jam gives you longer to enjoy listening to your favourite silly pop songs, right?)

5) Remind yourself of things you used to enjoy before music screwed everything up.  Painting?  Do some.  Writing?  Start a blog.  Dressing like a mad eccentric?  Put that pink lipstick on with that green and black striped top right now and don't forget the peacock feather earrings.  Or the tartan green and black shoes that you got for $9 on the Lower East Side.  

Work it!

6) Learn new stuff.  Such as a new language, a new profession, how to make a website, how to make interesting and informative videos, how to act in films (and then go and act in some) and if possible, find a way to make some money from it somehow.  Even if just by raising your rates because of this new-found extra skill.  (Or by putting a donate button on your website.  Not that I'm implying anything by that...)

7) Remind yourself of the kind hand of fate inherent in failing in obscurity rather than in public.  People like Britney Spears, Angus Deayton and Jacqui Smith had to do so in full tabloid splendour.  Be grateful you weren't one of them.

8) Change direction entirely with a new career.  Catherine Zeta-Jones tried a singing career (Remember? No, neither does anyone else) and was just dull.  But that didn't stop her, did it?  Al Gore certainly didn't sit at home sulking about losing the presidency even if he should have won, but got right on with another project.  Turn it around.

9) Listen to Kylie's "Things Can Only Get Better" as your pick-me-up song and, preferably do aerobics to it too, because working out will keep you strong and healthy and you'll need to be both if you want a second shot at things.  And leaping about to this feel-good pop track can only enhance the exercise endorphins.  In anycase, being fit makes you feel TONNES better because you can punch the air and do spectacular high-kicks like a 9 year old without instantly having to lie down.  Which is more than you can say for most [insert your own age here] year olds.

10) Watch Ab Fab episodes.  Repeatedly.   

If ever there were comfort in the schadenfreude of watching other total losers, it has to be multiplied by 100 in watching the characters Jennifer Saunders can create.  (And it always comes in handy to know a line or two that you can trot out at parties in a pitch-perfect Edina impression, such as, "Within the law?  Within the law?  Well what on EARTH is the point of having an accountant if he's within the law?!")

11) Write a big fat gratitude list.  What things are you really glad you have in your life?  (I.e. if it were taken away you'd really miss it.)  Note down everything you can think of including the little things such as that big fluffy cushion you love having on your bed, 

or having a gas cooker you can froth up milk for your coffee on, or the fact that you've only been doing Pilates for two weeks and already you've built up the stamina to get through the whole workout because you are pretty super-fit, actually.

12) Watch the first Sex and the City film and remind yourself of the affluent fantasy that everyone was happy to buy into in 2008, right before the financial crisis of the century started and know that even the highest paid, most effortlessly rewarded people on the planet (i.e. bankers and economists) get it spectacularly wrong at times, and hey, you haven't done so badly in comparison.  Alternatively, if you can't bear SATC (and who'd blame you, really) watch the Dutch film, 'Antonia's Line' and see how the ups and downs, tragedies and triumphs of life are all part of a much bigger picture.  [Favourite lines:  Genius kid: "Grandma, isn't it sad that nothing really exists?"  Grandmother: "That's why there's so much."...]

Finally, resort to the age-old British answer to everything and make yourself a cup of tea.  

And then get on with your life.