How to recover from being a tortured musician (particularly one whose career has totally failed to materialise)

1) Accept the situation you are in.

2) No, really, accept the situation you are in.  (Not the fantasy one in your head.)

3) Go through lots of therapy of all different kinds including CBT, psychotherapy, visiting a psychologist (like, for fun!) and working through a 12 step programme...in order to ACCEPT the f**king situation you are in!

4) Ask yourself what things you can enjoy right this minute such as, wouldn't if be nicer if I had a cup of chai tea and a piece of cake right now? Go get 'em.  And enjoy every delicious second of having them.  Live in this 'moment to moment' appreciation of everything, even if you're stuck in a traffic jam.  (Being stuck in a traffic jam gives you longer to enjoy listening to your favourite silly pop songs, right?)

5) Remind yourself of things you used to enjoy before music screwed everything up.  Painting?  Do some.  Writing?  Start a blog.  Dressing like a mad eccentric?  Put that pink lipstick on with that green and black striped top right now and don't forget the peacock feather earrings.  Or the tartan green and black shoes that you got for $9 on the Lower East Side.  

Work it!

6) Learn new stuff.  Such as a new language, a new profession, how to make a website, how to make interesting and informative videos, how to act in films (and then go and act in some) and if possible, find a way to make some money from it somehow.  Even if just by raising your rates because of this new-found extra skill.  (Or by putting a donate button on your website.  Not that I'm implying anything by that...)

7) Remind yourself of the kind hand of fate inherent in failing in obscurity rather than in public.  People like Britney Spears, Angus Deayton and Jacqui Smith had to do so in full tabloid splendour.  Be grateful you weren't one of them.

8) Change direction entirely with a new career.  Catherine Zeta-Jones tried a singing career (Remember? No, neither does anyone else) and was just dull.  But that didn't stop her, did it?  Al Gore certainly didn't sit at home sulking about losing the presidency even if he should have won, but got right on with another project.  Turn it around.

9) Listen to Kylie's "Things Can Only Get Better" as your pick-me-up song and, preferably do aerobics to it too, because working out will keep you strong and healthy and you'll need to be both if you want a second shot at things.  And leaping about to this feel-good pop track can only enhance the exercise endorphins.  In anycase, being fit makes you feel TONNES better because you can punch the air and do spectacular high-kicks like a 9 year old without instantly having to lie down.  Which is more than you can say for most [insert your own age here] year olds.

10) Watch Ab Fab episodes.  Repeatedly.   

If ever there were comfort in the schadenfreude of watching other total losers, it has to be multiplied by 100 in watching the characters Jennifer Saunders can create.  (And it always comes in handy to know a line or two that you can trot out at parties in a pitch-perfect Edina impression, such as, "Within the law?  Within the law?  Well what on EARTH is the point of having an accountant if he's within the law?!")

11) Write a big fat gratitude list.  What things are you really glad you have in your life?  (I.e. if it were taken away you'd really miss it.)  Note down everything you can think of including the little things such as that big fluffy cushion you love having on your bed, 

or having a gas cooker you can froth up milk for your coffee on, or the fact that you've only been doing Pilates for two weeks and already you've built up the stamina to get through the whole workout because you are pretty super-fit, actually.

12) Watch the first Sex and the City film and remind yourself of the affluent fantasy that everyone was happy to buy into in 2008, right before the financial crisis of the century started and know that even the highest paid, most effortlessly rewarded people on the planet (i.e. bankers and economists) get it spectacularly wrong at times, and hey, you haven't done so badly in comparison.  Alternatively, if you can't bear SATC (and who'd blame you, really) watch the Dutch film, 'Antonia's Line' and see how the ups and downs, tragedies and triumphs of life are all part of a much bigger picture.  [Favourite lines:  Genius kid: "Grandma, isn't it sad that nothing really exists?"  Grandmother: "That's why there's so much."...]

Finally, resort to the age-old British answer to everything and make yourself a cup of tea.  

And then get on with your life.