A dull, damp day

It's one of those gloomy, damp days today in Prague and I seem to have developed a similarly glum, dull ache that would come from being left out in the damp.  Except I haven't even been out.  (Too much to do.)  I'm not managing to get anything done today though, partly due to persistent tummy ache, partly due to perpetual brain ache.  The brain ache is down to trying to do too much in one go.  Things like my accounts (major brain ache contributor) and organising my plans for a website and co-ordinating social network use to present my work with in the meantime take up too much head space.  I think I've had enough of business webinars and online tutorials.  

So I'm pulling back for a little while and getting some rest.  I might even read a book.  Eye-soreness permitting.   I have a list of books I'd like to get, but at the moment, things like travel insurance for our planned road trip and website investment have to come first.  I can't quite believe that either will become a reality, but I suppose they must somehow.  Flights are booked, the front page of my website is designed and a tender has been put out to recent new contacts in the Prague arts world to get me a suitable web designer to work with.  So it's all 'in the offing' as they say.  (Whoever 'they' are.)

There's just a pervasive sense of dullness on a day like today.  The sounds of the road are suddenly dreary and irritating.  The car horns actually offend my ears.  The  gentle shuffling sound of car wheels going over damp roads in sequences of short shifts allowed by the traffic lights infiltrate my softly throbbing head and I have to contemplate taking an aspirin.  I hate days like this.  I don't even know where it comes from, but I find myself having gone from an optimistic, "getting things done" kind of energy in recent days to a possibly hormonal sense of self-loathing and sheer boredom with who I am.  

I'm tired of being complicated.  I'm tired of never having a holiday in the sun.  I'm tired of struggling to afford things to enjoy and above all I'm tired of my repetitive thoughts and apparent shortcomings.  I wonder if everyone has this, or if this is a self-indulgent phase only ex-musicians and artists go through?

The only answer, I have concluded, is to listen to my inner child, pick up the spare duvet, wrap myself up in it and curl up to watch House re-runs with a sugary yoghurt and dark chocolate.  It might be nicer to snuggle up with someone else, but I am alone here, and the architect might not be feeling much love towards me today, because he doesn't always, and I might be better off enjoying the non-judgment that comes with doing this on my own.  And I'm not in the mood for sharing the chocolate anyhow.