"I believe sometimes we aren't always in charge of everything that we do creatively. We submit to things as we're going on our own journey." Madonna
I have continued to have a somewhat 'up, down, up, down' existence lately, trying to change my attitudes to things, trying to alter my perspective and, above all, stay in the present. But there's something about the human brain and the way it perceives time that can mean you can't out-run your personal history. You can try to focus on the present, but what do you do when an old song comes on on the radio in a cafe or shop? Music is that powerful that the things you associated with a song from the past can come flooding back at you.
If music is the industry you're involved in, your work is continually informed by the past. Songs that refused to let themselves be finished sometimes come back and ask to be looked at again. Ideas started with no funding to finish get overlooked for other things you can afford to complete and the result is thread after thread of notes and pictures, vocal melody lines and chord sequences pulling you back, just when you hoped you were finally moving forwards.
Thankfully, by escaping to Paul's bakery for brunch this morning, I'm only being reminded of quirky French singers and they haven't started playing Maxime le Forestier yet, so I'm safe. I needed to get out of the house. As a writer/self-employed person working from home, you soon realise that getting out of the house from time to time is an absolute necessity and one that cannot be avoided purely on a "but I need to save money!" basis. It doesn't work. The extra productivity that comes from getting out and eating elsewhere so you don't have to deal with the washing up afterwards saves untold time and energy.
They've spruced up the place too, which is lovely (though my photo came out blurred) and they've now got nice chairs that remind me of the antique ones my ex-Swedish teacher has in her converted barn in the middle of nowhere in northern France. So I feel more at home now.
And what's really ridiculous is, the architect has had some good news on the job front, so I really am going to be going on a US road trip and I really will get to stay in San Francisco and see the Golden Gate bridge and see the sea and be free of Europe for almost a month, starting in Chicago in a month's time! It is really happening. And it really is my life in which this miraculous stuff will be taking place....I need to pinch myself!
Maybe the songs will come back, unhampered by debilitating emotional attachments. Maybe they'll call me back in a new way. Maybe I'll even write some interesting stories about my encounters with people there. I'll certainly take some pictures to have proof.
Things are looking up. For now.
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