Thoughts about what I've lost, what I may never have again, are pursuing and taunting me like a pack of wolves. I know they're still in the distance at the moment, but they are circling and they may even have got me surrounded by now, I just don't know for sure. I wish I had somewhere to run, but I haven't really. It struck me this evening, that maybe there are no rescuers out there. Maybe most of us are just alone and that's all there is to it. Even the ones who think they have a champion or dependable knight by their side, could lose them in the blink of an eye. (I know, I've been watching too much ER, but even so...)
I have observed other people's relationships, and I've tried to analyse the odds. Strangely enough, probably 50% of my friends have been very lucky and have found not only a reliable companion, but someone who really enhances who they are. Of those people, about half are also doing the kind of work they enjoy, or at least something they don't hate. And that's amazing really. I don't know how they did it.
In most cases, I imagine they don't know 'how they did it', either. Whatever it is, I don't seem to have hit the right formula yet. Not career-wise, not relationship-wise (and even friends-wise things are a bit hit and miss). I've been very lucky to even have one or two good friends here after nearly a year. I wouldn't have got that in London. Making friends in London used to take years, but maybe now, with internet and all that stuff, it's easier.
Mind you, I did have a marriage proposal the other day. But he only wanted me for my EU status. I guess that's the way it goes at my age. But, despite my admiration (at times) for Ruby Wax, I'm not going to take a leaf out of her 'early years' book and marry someone for a visa. It may have worked for her, and allowed her to act in the RSC for a while, but she said herself, she ended up doing 'Shakespearean porno', playing 'poor wenches' and faking a Somerset accent, and I don't need any practice at my West Country accent, thanks all the same. Not unless you mean 'West Czech Republic'. (That one really does need some serious work.)
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