Tiredness is getting the better of me, but I'm glad I had a lie-in this morning and forced myself not to work today. Coincidence has meant I might not see my boyfriend for more than half a day on my birthday (it's a bit of a chunky one this year) which is tomorrow, due to the fact that he's got extra work to do today and on Monday morning to try to secure a new job. But this not only comes at the same time as my 35th birthday, but also at a time when I've been unable to avoid frequent thoughts of ex-partner as well as my sort of homesickness for west London.
I've recently picked up a couple of bits of writing work and begun to open my mind a bit in a 'fake it till you make it' way about the possibility of one day having a proper budget for things like clothes - something my sister has never gone without, but I've done for years. Which has only made me miserable. The contrast with yesterday, when I finally spent some leftover Christmas money was immense. I bought a top I really wanted and some jewellery too. Amazing.
Today I finally bought myself a big glass vase as well as some files to organise my work a bit better from now on and I bought myself some red roses too, so that when the architect fails to buy me any flowers at all, let alone the kind I like the most, I won't need to feel sad about it, as I'm doing my utmost to cover the shortfall. Which is vital, in order to avoid the waves of grief and sadness that might otherwise drown me in seeing the depth of what's missing in this relationship, compared to one I know is possible for other people, so why not me?
Off to play the keyboard now to see which songs vie for attention now that I need music again somehow....
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